Demons all over Hell rejoiced today as, for the first time in centuries, the price for gasoline has dropped below 5 souls per gallon.
"I'll finally be able to visit my family every week" said Abraxas, 32,486. "I'm sure my parents miss me; they haven't seen me in millennia."
When asked about why this drop in price is happening, Chief of the Department of Transportation, Belial Malkovich, had this to say, "Thanks to the rise of street preachers condemning people on a regular basis and use of Bible translations other than the King James, we've had no shortage of fuel for our wicked motorcycles."
September 20, 2014
September 18, 2014
Area Protestant Shocked to Learn that Christianity is More than 500 Years Old
Just last week, area Protestant Mike Green, 33, learned through a conversation with a Catholic friend that the Christian religion is over 500 years old.
"I was having this conversation with a Catholic friend of mine," Green started. "Well, he's not really a friend since he's a Catholic and is going to burn in hell. The only reason I talk to him is so that he might be saved. Anyway, he mentioned someone named Saint Francis the Sissy who lived during the 13th century. I then asked him what this Saint guy had to do with Christianity. He told me that Saint Francis *was* a Christian. Then I asked him how he could be a Christian before Martin Luther had come along. This question must have really stumped him because he got a blank look on his face and just stared at me for a full minute!"
It was then that the shocking revelation came. "My friend then explained to me that there were Christians in the centuries prior to the Reformation and that Christianity actually goes all the way back to the time of Jesus! I couldn't believe it! *My* religion? All the way back to Jesus?! AMAZING!" Green was so excited about the revelation that he's begun doing research on church history. "I can't wait to find out what early church fathers had to say about the Five Solas!"
"I was having this conversation with a Catholic friend of mine," Green started. "Well, he's not really a friend since he's a Catholic and is going to burn in hell. The only reason I talk to him is so that he might be saved. Anyway, he mentioned someone named Saint Francis the Sissy who lived during the 13th century. I then asked him what this Saint guy had to do with Christianity. He told me that Saint Francis *was* a Christian. Then I asked him how he could be a Christian before Martin Luther had come along. This question must have really stumped him because he got a blank look on his face and just stared at me for a full minute!"
It was then that the shocking revelation came. "My friend then explained to me that there were Christians in the centuries prior to the Reformation and that Christianity actually goes all the way back to the time of Jesus! I couldn't believe it! *My* religion? All the way back to Jesus?! AMAZING!" Green was so excited about the revelation that he's begun doing research on church history. "I can't wait to find out what early church fathers had to say about the Five Solas!"
September 14, 2014
Lactose-Intolerant Parishioners Having Trouble Digesting Cheesier Worship Services
A recent poll done by The Hyman Group has revealed that the cheesy music used in many modern Christian worship services is causing major difficulties for lactose-intolerant church-goers.
Lactose-intolerant parishioner, John Sanders of Huntington, NY, who regularly attends the Grace of God Baptist Church has expressed his difficulty, "I could always handle the hymns like 'Amazing Grace', but this new stuff leaves me in the bathroom for half of the sermon." "One time," he continued, "they started playing that one Avalon song and the pastor got all emotional and started crying, then everyone started dancing. I couldn't hold it back anymore", Sanders lamented. "I think I got some on the people behind me."
But don't think that Catholics are exempt from this problem. Ever since Vatican II, many lactose-intolerant Catholics have had to run out of the sanctuary as soon as they see the worship leader take out the acoustic guitar. "I used to be able to take refuge in the Catholic church," said elderly church-goer Agnes Smith, who remembers what it was like before the controversial liturgical reform. "I always found comfort and peace in the Mass, but now every Sunday I have to pray that my Depends hold out!"
It is estimated that there are over 40 million Americans who are lactose-intolerant. Symptoms of lactose intolerance include bloating, cramps, gas, and diarrhea.
Lactose-intolerant parishioner, John Sanders of Huntington, NY, who regularly attends the Grace of God Baptist Church has expressed his difficulty, "I could always handle the hymns like 'Amazing Grace', but this new stuff leaves me in the bathroom for half of the sermon." "One time," he continued, "they started playing that one Avalon song and the pastor got all emotional and started crying, then everyone started dancing. I couldn't hold it back anymore", Sanders lamented. "I think I got some on the people behind me."
But don't think that Catholics are exempt from this problem. Ever since Vatican II, many lactose-intolerant Catholics have had to run out of the sanctuary as soon as they see the worship leader take out the acoustic guitar. "I used to be able to take refuge in the Catholic church," said elderly church-goer Agnes Smith, who remembers what it was like before the controversial liturgical reform. "I always found comfort and peace in the Mass, but now every Sunday I have to pray that my Depends hold out!"
It is estimated that there are over 40 million Americans who are lactose-intolerant. Symptoms of lactose intolerance include bloating, cramps, gas, and diarrhea.
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