Virgin Mary Announces New World Tour

A press release earlier today has revealed that The Blessed Virgin Mary (BVM) is planning to take on a new world tour. This exciting, new tour will include appearances in Canada, Latin America, and, for the first time ever, Antarctica.

The BVM plans on starting the tour with an appearance in Quebec, for which she has spent months studying the local language.   The tour will take her south, then across the Atlantic to Africa where she'll make a long trek up through Europe and into Asia.  Her final stop will be in Antarctica for the two lonely souls there and a flock of penguins.  Over the course of the tour, she plans to appear on 500 pieces of toast, 100 pieces of tarnished wood, and the birthmark of a small child from Nicaragua.

New to this tour will be the inclusion of a special breakfast segment of the tour to celebrate her many appearances on toasted pastries.  For thirty days, the BVM will appear on nothing but waffles, toast, and pancakes.  "This is an exciting opportunity to do something I'm good at: burning my face onto a slice of pumpernickel."

Wine Jesus Made From Water was a Fine Pinot Noir

An amazing discovery early Saturday morning by archaeologists from the University of Southern Israel has revealed that the wine Jesus made from water at the wedding in Cana was a fine Pinot Noir.

At 6:05 AM Saturday, archaeologists were excavating at a location near where the famed scene from Scripture takes place, when they uncovered a small storage room.  Inside was a massive 30 gallon, sealed jar.  Upon opening it, archaeologists were greeted with a bright nose of cranberry and mulberry.  "Because of the location and content, we knew immediately what it was," said lead archaeologist Lee Jharvez.

Amid shouts of "it's 5 o'clock somewhere" the excavation continued, but at a much slower pace.  Researchers working on other projects nearby where unable to concentrate due to the tumult of laughter and cheering from the dig site next door.  "Just what the heck are they doing over there?" said one older researcher, who was less interested in the new discovery.  "And where did all of my assistants go?  How am I supposed to get anything done?"

Unfortunately the wine, which archaeologists claim has hints of cherry and cedar with light tannins, has disappeared since its discovery.  Archaeologists firmly assert that the exposure to air after being sealed away for nearly 2000 years is responsible for it's disappearance.  Yaman Ghanem, one of the archaeologists on the team, testifies "it jush couldn't handle air er shumpthin'."

In keeping with the Scriptures, archaeologists also uncovered the "bad wine" in the form of over a dozen boxes of Franzia.  The boxes were promptly discarded.